The Rupture-Repair Cycle
The “rupture-repair cycle” is a crucial part of any relationship. As much as we don’t mean to, we sometimes hurt and let down the people we care about. There is some inevitability to this (though we should try to minimize it as much as possible!) but the repair after a rupture creates an opportunity for growth and reconnection.
I began thinking about this dynamic and how it manifests in the therapeutic relationship after I fell short in my relationship with a client. I moved too quickly through a painful experience the client was describing and responded by jumping to the problem-solving stage of the conversation. I missed the point of what they were sharing and missed the opening for a necessary, vulnerable moment. For a client who tends to intellectualize feelings rather than feel them, I failed to recognize how much I needed to honor her by staying in the feeling and NOT moving through it. After the session, I reflected and knew that I made a misstep. The next session, I checked in with the client and asked her how our last session felt. She honestly expressed to me that she didn’t feel heard. I was so grateful for her honesty, and we were able to work through and talk through the situation. I took accountability and created space for her to share how the experience made her feel and return to that moment to have a corrective experience.
Being able to advocate for your needs and feelings in the therapy space with a therapist who wants to mend and repair helps make this same communication possible in other relationships. It starts to feel safer to express your hurt feelings when you’ve had the experience of these feelings being validated and mended. After this experience, we used the opportunity to process how repair happens or doesn’t happen in other relationships in her life. The “rupture-repair” cycle is an important piece of relationship health and strength in all relationships.
The “rupture-repair” cycle comes up in couples therapy frequently. When there has been some kind of betrayal or hurt, there are many ways we can work through the conflict to varying levels of success and reconnection. The conflict isn’t always the problem, it’s how we work through the conflict. So how do we work through a rupture and repair?
The Gottman repair checklist serves as an incredibly useful tool when we are struggling with the language to express our feelings:
Using these phrases makes communication more open and vulnerable, helping us stay with our experiences and feelings rather than starting to escalate, blame, or attack.
Couples therapy is a space where we can practice using this language together and work toward a repair in your relationships. The therapists at Root to Rise Therapy are all trained to help couples work through ruptures and have healthy repairs.
Contact our client care coordinator today to learn which Root to Rise therapist would be a good fit to help you strengthen your relationship!
Best,
Jessica Leader LMFT
