Ask Kalie: Are We Sexually Mismatched?
Ask Kalie:
Hey Kalie,
My partner and I have been together for years. In the beginning, our sex life was a whirlwind of passion, excitement, and spontaneity. Our sexual encounters involved little planning since we were practically all over each other, all the time. But over the years, I’ve noticed a shift: our sex is less frequent, and our encounters seem more routine. I often initiate sex but feel rejected when my partner doesn’t seem interested. Sometimes she’ll even suggest we get freaky, but once it comes down to it, she’s not in the mood. I’ve started to worry if she’s even attracted to me at all anymore. She says she feels overwhelmed and pressured and doesn’t know why she struggles to get in the mood. Sometimes she gets frustrated and says that she has needs too, and that I’m ‘always thinking about sex.’ I don’t want to be the only one who makes the first move. How can I make sense of all this?
-Anonymous
Hey Anonymous,
It’s understandable to feel worried and confused about shifts in your relationship, especially when it comes to your intimacy and desire. Feeling like you're the one who always initiates sex, only to face rejection or reluctance from your partner, can lead to feelings of insecurity, frustration, and even loneliness. It's natural to crave that connection and validation from your partner, and when it feels like it's slipping away, it can leave you feeling lost and unfulfilled.
The good news is that what you're experiencing is more common than you might think. Many long-term relationships go through periods where the dynamics of intimacy and desire shift. It's entirely normal for couples to experience changes in their sex life over time, especially once life stressors, work demands, family responsibilities, and health changes enter the mix.
Our society attempts to address this discrepancy by categorizing sexual desire in binary terms: people either have a high sex drive or a low sex drive and sometimes there’s a mismatch - makes sense, right? However, human desire is not so much a ‘drive’ (implying an instinctual, involuntary behavior). Rather it’s a complex experience that can be influenced by a variety of psychological, emotional, and cultural factors. Dr. Emily Nagoski’s 2015 book Come As You Are, highlights the importance of understanding that each person experiences desire in different ways, and there is no right or wrong way to experience desire. She categorizes sexual desire as either spontaneous, responsive, or contextual. These types of desires are unique to each person and can change over the lifespan in response to environmental and hormonal factors. Let’s explore what these different types of desire mean:
Spontaneous desire is the ‘heat of the moment’ type of desire. Those who experience spontaneous desire may suddenly feel in the mood to get frisky without any particular reason. They could be in the middle of a mundane task, and out of nowhere feel the urge to get hot and heavy - it's that natural, unplanned desire that shows up without any effort or planning.
Responsive Desire is the ‘slow burn’ type of desire that needs to be stoked by additional factors such as romantic gestures, physical touch, or specific cues (i.e. watching their partner undress). Those who experience responsive desire are not constantly itching for action, but are more inclined to get in the mood after something sparks their interest or turns them on. For example, if their partner starts kissing their neck or whispers something steamy in their ear, suddenly they’re all in. It's like the desire wakes up in response to something exciting happening, rather than just showing up out of the blue.
Contextual desire is based on context, such as the environment or what’s happening in a person’s life. For example, someone might feel heightened desire when their mood is high and stress levels are low, but experience low desire during periods of work stress or sickness. A person with this type of sexual desire may require specific circumstances, mindset, or environment in order to feel in the mood.
When partners experience different types of sexual desire, such as one being spontaneous and the other responsive, this can often be misinterpreted as a lack of attraction. Cue feelings of rejection and inadequacy. If you experience this dynamic in your relationship, stick around for my next blog on managing the spontaneous-responsive desire dyad.
Remember:
-Sexual desire can vary from person to person
-Difference in desire does not necessarily mean lack of attraction
-These challenges are a normal part of many long-term relationships!
If you need some support in discussing or working through issues related to sex and intimacy, the therapists at Root to Rise Therapy are here to help! Reach out to our client care coordinator today to find out which of our couples therapists would be a good fit for your relationship!
Good luck,
Kalie Pham, AMFT
