Differences In Sexual Desire? Make It Work For You!
Hey Kalie,
After reading your recent blog post on sexual desire, my wife and I have come to discover that I tend to have spontaneous desire, while she leans more towards responsive desire. Now that we have this insight, we're not quite sure what to do with it. How can we use this information to improve our sex life?
Thanks! -Anonymous
Hey Anonymous,
I’m thrilled that you and your wife have taken the time to explore and understand your respective sexual desires! Recognizing and respecting these differences is a big step toward building a more fulfilling and harmonious connection. Now that you’ve got this insight, there are several ways you can use it to enhance your relationship.
For the Spontaneous partner: Your most important tool is open and honest communication. Ask your wife what makes her feel desired and wanted, and listen carefully to her responses. Pay close attention to her verbal and non-verbal cues during intimate moments to key into her preferences and needs. She may enjoy romantic gestures or verbal affirmations. Does she respond positively to certain touches or actions? Does she seem more relaxed in certain environments? Keep in mind that your wife’s response can be influenced by a variety of factors such as stress, fatigue, and hormonal changes. Importantly, her desire may be linked to the level of safety and connection she feels in the relationship, which means you might want to prioritize building emotional intimacy and creating an environment in which she feels comfortable.
Instead of solely focusing on initiating sex, prioritize building emotional intimacy through positive interactions, including non-sexual affection. By allowing sexual arousal to naturally emerge from the playful, fun experiences that you’re both enjoying - laughing, talking, hugging, kissing, flirting - you can build a more satisfying bond without the agenda of having sex. In the midst of hanging out and having fun, your responsive desire partner may start to get aroused. She may smile more, make more intense eye contact, and be more receptive to touch. If things start heating up, great! If not, no biggie. Just enjoy each other’s company and see where it takes you. It’s important not to be attached to an outcome. Simply savor the time spent together, and remember that you can enjoy these playful interactions just because you’re having fun and enjoying yourselves, regardless of whether sex happens or not.
For the Responsive partner: Talk openly with your partner about what turns you on and what doesn't. You may find it helpful to reflect on the following questions to help build insight around what sparks your desire: What turns you on? Talking about something? Thinking about something? Doing something with your partner or by yourself? Could it be a specific fun activity, such as cuddling, receiving a massage, or being in nature? What kind of mindset do you like to be in, and what do you like to think about yourself in order to feel sexy? How does stress play a role in your desire, and what are some relaxing things you like to do to manage stress? Is there anything you like to do or think about yourself in order to feel sexy or reinforce your sexual thoughts and feelings? Moreover, it’s important to be aware of what turns you OFF in order to avoid deflation! What are your major desire-killers? Specific initiations of sex (i.e. a blunt, “Hey, want to have sex?”)? Any topics that should be avoided prior to initiating sex (i.e. finances, discussing our children’s school plan)?
When it comes to initiation, you don't have to wait for your partner to make the first move. Find your own ways to signal that you're in the mood—whether it's a suggestive kiss or a flirty text. Remember that it’s also okay to set boundaries around when you're up for a romantic encounter and when you're not. Let your partner know when you need a rain check, and don't be afraid to speak up if something doesn't feel right.
Remember that every relationship is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. What's most important is that you and your wife continue to communicate openly, support each other with empathy and patience, and work collaboratively toward a mutually fulfilling sex life. If you find yourselves struggling to navigate these differences on your own, don't hesitate to reach out to our client care coordinator today to find out which of our couples therapists would be a good fit to support your relationship.
Good luck! ;)
Kalie Pham, AMFT
