11 Tips for Online Dating
From no-shows to no sparks, off-putting behaviors, ghosting and heartbreak, online dating can be a fraught experience. But you can use the tips below to make some thoughtful tweaks, and it can become a wonderful way to meet new people, and maybe even “The One!” As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have witnessed hundreds of clients explore online dating who have had experiences ranging from “this was the worst date of my life” all the way to “I’ve finally met my person.”
Not only am I privy to these tales of woe and love as a therapist, I also did quite a bit of online dating myself before I met my husband.
Over many years as a therapist, I have learned some excellent strategies for making dating online a safe, fun, and fruitful experience. Make sure to read through to the end for my most important tip of all!
Tip #1: Make your profile genuine and playful.
Determine what you are looking for, and be really honest with yourself. If you just got out of a super intense relationship, you may not be in a place to look for a committed relationship. Or if you know in your heart that you really are ready to meet your person, don’t sell yourself short by pretending you are cool with casual hook-ups. Be genuine in your profile, and also be playful. Let your personality and sense of humor shine through; don’t go for shock value.
Tip #2: Include a few different types of photos.
I recommend a few different categories of photos to show the different sides of your personality. Start with a straightforward picture where you are looking at the camera, smiling, approachable and sincere. Think in the vein of a classic headshot. Then include a shot of you doing something active, either outside or engaging in some activity that reflects a bit about who you are. Include a picture with friends/family members that shows your social world and conveys that you have people in your life that you love, (this can also be with a niece/nephew/child/or pet), and then include a silly photo where you are making a funny face or engaging in a pie eating contest- something that shows your sense of humor or fun-loving attitude!
Tip #3: Stay Open-minded
Remember that looks aren’t everything. Have you ever been in a situation where at first glance you aren’t attracted to someone, but over time as you get to know their personality and their charms, they become totally hot? There are so many elements that go into attraction, from personality, to pheromones (loving how someone smells can go a long way in attraction!) sense of humor, and shared interests. Looks aren’t everything, and chemistry in-person can be way different than finding someone attractive in a picture.
Tip #4: Notice if they “give good text”; if they do not, move on.
I’ll never forget the time I was talking to my friend Camille about a new match I made on one of the apps, and her first question was “Does he give good text?” What she meant was do you have fun exchanging text messages with him, does he write in full sentences, does he make you laugh, does he ask you questions about yourself, does he communicate well? Since messaging via text is the first point of contact with most of the online dating apps, pay attention to whether or not your new match is engaging in their text messages. If they send short choppy sentences, don’t ask you anything about yourself, and only hit you up at 10 PM, they’re probably not going to be The One. If you aren’t looking for The One, then go for it, but if you are - move on. Know what you want and go into it with eyes open!
Tip #5: Move beyond sending messages after a few days
Sometimes the messaging can go on for weeks and weeks, which can be really fun! But it also builds things up a lot, and you can end up getting over-invested in someone who you haven’t even met in person yet. Then, if you meet up in-person and either you aren’t into it, or they aren’t, it sets you up to feel even worse and more disappointed since you spent weeks fantasizing about that person and investing emotional energy in them! Try to meet up within a few days or a week from when you matched or began chatting, so that you can quickly determine if you are interested in each other. When someone just wants to be online dating penpals for weeks, it can be an indication that something is off with them or that they aren’t committed, interested or available.
Tip #6: Do a phone or video call before meeting in-person.
This will help you to see how easily conversation flows, which will let you know if you are compatible. If it flows really well, this might even get you more amped up for the in-person meeting. Sometimes it's hard to transition from messaging to meeting, especially for more anxious people. The interim phone call can make it easier to push through that anxiety and book the meet-up.
Tip #7: The first meet-up is not a date.
I love this tip because it helps to reframe and de-stress the first meet-up. Since you’ve never actually met in person, I think of the first meet-up as the way to determine if you want to go on a first date with that person. So don't even consider it a date! Telling yourself this can help reduce the anxiety that might come up before the meeting, and can also relieve the disappointment if the person doesn’t reach out again. If this happens, remember that this doesn’t really count as rejection, since you didn't actually go on a date yet. You were simply deciding if you wanted to go on a date. If you feel so inclined, you can also add this expectation during your pre-date phone chat, letting them know that you consider this a pre-date.
Tip #8: Limit the first meet-up to one hour.
Capping the first meet-up to one hour builds in a nice buffer so that you can give yourself some space and time to see how you feel about the person without getting caught in the marathon date whirlwind. One of the great mistakes I’ve seen a lot of people make (and guilty as charged!) is when the first meet-up turns into a multi-hour, half-day-date-romance-whirlwind. While this is very fun, and everyone should have this exhilarating experience at least a few times in their lives, if you are looking for a real relationship, this can be more damaging than fruitful. It can be really disappointing to go on a spontaneous marathon date and then never hear from the person again, so I prefer to keep the first meet-up to one hour so that you can see how you both feel and then decide about going for that first date.
Alternatively, it can be clear very quickly if you do not have chemistry or do not enjoy the person’s personality, so building in the one hour first meet-up standard is a great way to save yourself from a painstaking, multi-hour date with someone who you can quickly tell is not a good match. Let your date know in advance that you only have an hour for this first meet-up. Then, if you end up seriously hitting it off, you can always blow off your next plan, and spend some extra time with your new love interest.
Tip #9: For alcohol drinkers, make the first meet-up alcohol-free.
Alcohol can cloud your judgement, one thing leads to another, and you might end up in a stranger's bed the next morning, wondering what the heck happened. Alcohol can also create chemistry where there is none. One of my favorite quotes from Sarah Hepola is “When you're not drinking, it becomes obvious pretty quickly whether or not you have chemistry with someone. This was not true when I was drinking, because after two glasses of wine, I had chemistry with most men. And after a bottle, I had chemistry with the ceiling fan.” So avoid the bottle of wine/chemistry with ceiling fan option by keeping this first meet-up alcohol free. Great options include going on a stroll, getting ice cream or going for coffee, tea, boba, kombucha, etc. Once the two of you have decided to go on a real date, consider limiting your alcohol intake to 2 drinks maximum.
Tip #10: At the end of the meet-up, if you have determined that you like the person, let them know. Or, if you just aren’t feeling it and you know that you don't want to go on a date, let them know quickly.
You can say something like, “I had a really nice time with you today, and I’d love to see you again soon.” Then book the actual first date for sometime within the next week. Get it on the calendar, so you can both have the security of knowing it’s planned without the confusion and wishy-washiness of waiting to hear from each other. This can be a nice dinner date or a longer date, giving you more time to get to know each other.
If you do not want to see them again, let them know very kindly that you enjoyed meeting them, but you don’t see this moving forward in a romantic sense. You can say something like, “You seem really wonderful, but I don’t see this moving forward romantically/I’m not interested in you romantically.” You can do this in-person or via text, but I think it's really kind to let someone know right off the bat that you aren’t interested. This way they can move on quickly, and find someone who really does like them—which is what they deserve!
Tip #11: Think of online dating as an adventure and an experiment.
This is by far the most important tip of all: Don’t get too down on yourself if you aren’t clicking with anyone yet. This is a great experience for meeting new people, learning about what you like and don’t like, and finding out what you are looking for in a partner. Don’t get discouraged! Give yourself permission to take breaks from online dating if you find yourself burning out. We all need a break sometimes :).
You also may not meet your person online, and that's okay too. I once had an astrologer tell me that I would not meet my person online (which turned out to be true—we met through a mutual friend.) This made online dating a whole lot more fun when I wasn’t putting so much pressure on it!
Another quote I love is, “rejection is universal protection.” It’s really easy to get down on yourself when you are feeling rejected by someone, but the truth is that rejection is just the universe protecting you from the wrong match. If someone doesn’t call you for a 2nd date, this was never going to be your person-- better to know now so that you can move on to find them!
So there you have it: 11 tips for Online Dating from a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and someone who also has done a lot of online dating :) With the right approach and frame of mind, online dating can be really fun. I know you can do this!!
Let us know which of these tips you find the most helpful, and comment below with some of YOUR favorite tips for online dating!
Lots of love and wishing you luck in your online dating adventures !
Becky White, MFT
Founder & Director
Root to Rise Therapy