Conflict in Friendships
5 Tips for Resolving Conflict in Adult Friendships
The first big heartbreak of my life was a friend breakup when I was 16. The story is about as classic as it gets: childhood friends, awkward middle school years, different high school friend groups, and a crippling fear of confrontation coupled with a need for acceptance. You can imagine the betrayal I felt when I soon learned she had a birthday party the previous week and told people not to mention it to me. However, instead of expressing my hurt and embarrassment, my 16 year old self simply stopped being friends with her and never told her why. I think back to this friendship often and wish I had the tools to share my feelings and gain some sense of closure and understanding. In reality, however, I’m not sure if many of us have tools that are much more effective in handling friendship conflicts in adulthood!
While I didn’t manage to work through that friendship, I do feel grateful that I have a close group of friends that I’m still in touch with from high school. After writing my last blog post about how to make friends in adulthood, I began thinking about why so many of us struggle to maintain friendships, or to make them in the first place. So I pooled my high school friends’ group chat with the question, “Why have our friendships sustained and so many others in our lives have not?” The answers I got largely came down to effort and communication. Rather than expressing feelings, most of us had let friendships fade after feeling hurt and pulling away.
As adults today, it strikes me that we may not have learned much more about how to handle conflict in friendships since those painful middle school days. Here are 5 tips for working through conflicts in adult friendships that we may have never learned:
1) Choose the right forum for communication:
So many of us have been on the sending and receiving end of a barrage of text messages that feel impossible to handle healthily over text. Especially for those of us who shy away from confrontation, it can be tempting to resort to communication through a screen. However, this tends to prolong the process and leads to misunderstanding. For example, my roommate in college just happens to be a much more formal texter than I am. After receiving a text that I wrongfully interpreted as her being furious about me accidentally forgetting to refill the Brita, I avoided her for days in order to give her space that she didn’t want in the first place. The entire exchange could have lasted 5 minutes instead of 3 days if we had an in-person conversation.
2) Use assertive communication instead of aggressive or passive aggressive language:
I often reference Max Lucado’s quote, “Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional” in couples therapy. This concept applies to relationships of any nature. Once we acknowledge that conflict will occur, it begins to feel more acceptable to voice our thoughts, feelings, and needs. And once we understand that combat is optional, it opens up the possibility of expressing ourselves in a way that does not feel aggressive. That’s where assertiveness comes in. I could write an entire post about the importance of assertiveness training but it can be summarized by the 3 C’s:
Confident- your belief in your ability to handle a situation
Clear- your message is clear and easy to understand
Controlled- your delivery is calm and controlled
3) Identify filters coming up that might impact your experience:
It’s helpful to identify our filters before expressing our feelings so we can have the most productive conversation possible. And if either party is feeling too distracted to focus on the conflict at hand, it might not be the right time for the conversation! I know I have reacted with irritability to a friend only to realize later I was some combination of tired, hungry, and grumpy for unrelated reasons. It’s important to check in with the other person and make sure it’s a convenient time and place for BOTH of you.
Some examples of filters that impact our communication are:
Current state- i.e. tired, hungry, stressed, frustrated, rushed
Distractions- i.e. TV, children, music, a deadline
Personal style- i.e. direct vs. indirect, pursuer vs. withdrawer
Past experiences- i.e. family background, relationship history
Beliefs and expectations- i.e. what we believe one “should” do in a given situation, what is right or wrong
Deeper issues- i.e. power, appreciation, love, belonging, safety
Self-protection- i.e. feeling threatened, fear of rejection
Our negative filters often impact the difference between the intended message ( what a person says) and the received message ( what a person hears).
4) Be open and non-blaming:
I know this might come as a surprise, but I’ve been wrong many times before and have seriously misjudged situations (yup, therapists are people first and foremost ;)). There have been times where I have been hurt or upset by a comment from a friend, only to bring it up and learn I completely misunderstood their intent. Do not assume that you know everything. Entering into the conversation prepared to hear someone else’s perspective leads to an entirely different outcome than assuming and accusing intent. Use I-statements, listen to understand rather than to agree, and be open to change.
5) Ask for help if need be!
Though many instances of friendship conflict can and should be addressed between the friends involved, therapy can also be a great space to process experiences and work through the emotions coming up. Sharing in therapy can empower you to feel more comfortable and confident starting difficult conversations and strengthening communication skills. Therapy may even provide a space to bring in a friend and receive some mediation ! We use therapy for couples conflicts all the time, so why not use it for friendship conflicts as well?!
The therapists at Root to Rise can help you gain additional support and conflict resolution skills in either individual sessions or sessions with a friend. Contact our Client Care Coordinator today to get started!
Warmly,
Jessica
References
Green Leaf Counseling: Communication Filters
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