Last week, I caught up with a friend for the first time this year. She asked me how I’d been, and all I could think of to say was: “really good and really bad.”
In the last six months, I have experienced both the most joyous and most painful moments of my life, often in the same week, day, or even hour. I have cried holding friends and then found myself doubling over with laughter within the same embrace. I have celebrated unions of love while mourning those who weren’t there to celebrate with me. I have intellectually understood the concept that we can hold multiple emotions at once, but this year taught me to truly notice and appreciate the way my heart has been able to stretch in new ways to hold these intense, often conflicting experiences.
The most important and hardest lesson I’ve learned is to experience this duality without judgment. It’s so easy to get caught up in the “should” of how we feel, sending us back into the familiar shame spiral. Slowly but methodically, I’ve practiced noticing these thoughts and reframing them. I’ve tried my best to transform “I shouldn’t be happy when this is going on” to “My happiness in this moment does not take away from my feelings of loss.” I identify and acknowledge both, allowing myself to fully feel the intensity of both emotions without judgment. This practice has allowed me to accept whatever is coming up in the moment and soothe the secondary voice that tries to tell me that what I’m feeling is wrong.
After acknowledging without judgment, I try my best to put words to my specific feelings and experiences. This has helped me identify my feelings and create space for both without having them cancel each other out. Both can be there! I may not always have the exact words to describe how and what I’m feeling, and that’s okay. When this is the case, it can be helpful to try to untangle the feelings verbally with someone I trust. I have found that when I do this, my loved ones join me in the feelings without judgment too.
I have relied heavily on my coping skills, focusing on ones that help me stay attuned to my feelings. Meditation has been crucial in helping me sit with multiple experiences at once without immediately trying to change the way I’m feeling. Journaling has helped me process my feelings on paper, getting me out of my head. Confiding in friends and family has helped me connect with others and allow others to connect with me when I am feeling alone. I’ve included some resources below that I’ve found useful.
I have learned to be grateful for my ability to feel. Like so many of us, I have a natural inclination to numb or repress overwhelming feelings rather than acknowledge them. This will come as a surprise to no one, but it has backfired every time. I have worked hard not to be scared of my emotions and not view them as “too much”. Now, when I experience multiple emotions at once, I am filled with gratitude for myself and my emotional resilience.
If any of this has resonated with you and you’re looking for support, therapy can serve as a safe space to work through these emotions without judgment. The therapists at Root to Rise Therapy are here to help create space for what you’re feeling when it feels overwhelming. Reach out to our Client Care Coordinator to find out which of our therapists would be best suited for you.
All the best,
Jessica Leader LMFT
Resources:
https://www.mindful.org/a-meditation-on-observing-thoughts-non-judgmentally/
https://rootrisetherapyla.com/meditations
A poem by Caitlyn Siehl: https://www.instagram.com/p/Cuo70hesQe0/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Comfortable With Uncertainty- Pema Chödrön
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