Parasocial Relationships: I know you, but you don’t know me.

Taylor Swift’s 10th album Midnights came out on October 22nd, and Spotify informed me that I was among the first 0.01% of users to stream it. If that doesn’t immediately make you slightly concerned and signify my level of obsession, take into account that Taylor Swift has millions of dedicated fans who eagerly awaited this album. Out of those millions, I was in the first 0.01% of fans to listen. My best friend and I (I’m including that I wasn’t alone to make myself feel better) waited until the album dropped at 12 EST to fervently listen and read the lyrics, then set an alarm to wait for her additional surprise drop at 3:00 am EST. For years, I was embarrassed about this love for Taylor Swift. I downplayed how much energy, effort, and time I have dedicated to a person who has no idea I exist. On the other hand, this relationship (albeit one-sided) started when I was 12 and has remained strong for 15 years. Listening to her music has brought me an immense amount of joy, support, and connection. I’ve often wondered where the border of healthy vs. unhealthy is, leading me to discover the term “Parasocial Relationship.” A parasocial relationship “involves an enduring, one-sided connection between a viewer and a public figure.” This description described my experience perfectly: (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/parasocial-relationships#identifying-parasocial-relationships)

So what’s the deal with Parasocial Relationships, and are they healthy?

 The term parasocial relationship was developed in 1956 by Donald Horton and Richard Wohl. These relationships are extremely common, though the name for them is less frequently used. Once I became aware of the term, I started noticing them everywhere. I’m currently reading Colleen Hoover’s groundbreaking book It Ends With Us, and the protagonist addresses her diary entries to Ellen DeGeneres. When she couldn’t talk to anyone else, Ellen was always there.  We connect to celebrities and public figures for myriad reasons, often forming these bonds during adolescence. My love for Taylor Swift developed at age 12, a time when identity formation is intense, and we are desperately looking to feel understood and seen. Parasocial relationships go a step further than being a fan- individuals often imagine that they are actually interacting with this celebrity and may even feel like they are a close friend. People know logically that they are not actually friends of course, but the level of emotional connection feels intimate and personal. Parasocial relationships are attractive because they remove the possibility of rejection, and the one-sided nature of the relationship can feel much easier than our everyday relationships that involve other humans with emotions, needs, and expectations. These relationships have become even more common with the increased ease in which we connect to celebrities using social media, but they are certainly not new.

 There are many benefits to parasocial relationships. They allow individuals to connect in a risk-free way, helping foster empathy, connection, and identity development. We can feel inspired, encouraged, and supported in a way we may not receive through other relationships in our lives. They do not replace “real” relationships, and individuals in parasocial relationships actually report more connections and stronger friendships and relationships overall. This may have to do with the ability to practice connecting without fear and can link to our attachment style. If one exhibits an avoidant attachment style and may be uncomfortable with intimacy, a parasocial relationship feels far safer. Research also shows that parasocial relationships generally form with media figures displaying positive traits we either relate to or are inspired by. Viewers may then try to embody these traits, leading to improved coping and skill-building. Medical News Today states that parasocial relationships may also “provide support, inspiration, and motivation, be a positive influence, enhance self-esteem, create a sense of connection and community, teach life lessons, help people overcome challenges, provide meaning, prevent criticism, offer companionship, reduce prejudice, provide purpose and fulfillment, encourage healthy behaviors, and reduce stigma.” That’s a whole lot of benefits! However, there is a line between healthy and unhealthy that is important to keep in mind.

 Parasocial relationships become unhealthy when they interfere with or replace real-life relationships. If it becomes a habit to skip spending time with friends to wait for new content or engage with this media persona, it might be time to reexamine the prioritization of relationships. Dedicating time and energy into parasocial relationships instead of engaging in the world can contribute to increased loneliness and isolation. It is also necessary to maintain a separation between this person’s opinions and your own. With power comes influence, and the intensity of the obsession can lead to people being influenced to make decisions that would otherwise go against their set of values if endorsed by this celebrity. If this celebrity is telling you to vote for a specific political candidate, for example, it’s crucial to use your own discernment and not blindly follow someone else’s. I remember being genuinely hurt when Taylor Swift did not share her views about the 2016 election, desperately needing to make sure she had the same political orientation as I do. This was a moment that forced me to step back and recognize that this person owes me nothing and I do not have to have every detail in common with them. Though the one-sided nature of the relationship allows us to negate rejection, there is something significant lost in the inability to receive feedback and actually connect. We must make sure that parasocial relationships do not interfere with our ability to form and maintain other relationships. We are social beings, and we need to connect.

 If you’re struggling to form or maintain relationships in your life, the clinicians at Root to Rise therapy are here to help! Reach out to our client coordinator today to begin connecting.

 In the words of the wise Taylor Swift, “Putting someone first only works when you’re in their top five.” Make sure you and your healthy real-life relationships come first.

 Warmly,

Jessica Leader, LMFT

A P.S to future clients- therapists WANT to hear about your parasocial relationships as well. I have bonded with many clients over Taylor Swift, and our mutual love has ended up being an invaluable therapeutic tool.

 P.P.S. Stream Midnights. You won’t regret it.