One of my favorite stages in a relationship is what I call the “couch stage.” You’ve been together for enough time now that every hangout doesn’t have to be planned and you can spend a day (or days…) just relaxing on the couch together feeling that sense of comfort and safety. For so many of us, that sense of security and safety is so relieving that it feels tempting to stay in that cozy bubble forever, not letting anything in that could threaten that experience. I was reflecting on this feeling recently when I realized it had been a long time since my partner and I had tried anything new together. As comforting as our routine is, it made me wonder what is gained from taking risks and trying new things together, especially once that foundational safety is already in place.
The more I looked into this concept, the more I realized the importance of taking risks in a relationship. As contradictory as it sounds, trust is built from engaging in new situations without the guarantee of success and safety. This is something that can be practiced by taking physical risks or emotional risks, both in the grand gestures and the small moments. Let’s look at some examples of how you can start incorporating risk and challenge into your own relationship.
Learn a new skill together:
As you sit down and look at your year ahead, is there anything you’ve been wanting to try that could be a skill you conquer together? Have you wanted to learn a new language, take a class, or join a sports league? One couple I work with began taking ice skating lessons together, and the benefits were immediate and noticeable. They would come into my office and share how they’ve been improving, often hyping up their partner and talking about the other person’s growth before their own. Neither person had ice-skated before and spent more time falling on the ice than actually skating in the beginning. They would laugh about how they helped each other up and encouraged each other to keep trying despite the falling. Not only has this strengthened their relationship, but they now have a shared hobby they do together every weekend. They’ve been able to see each other in a new light and just have fun together while working toward a shared goal. It’s a bonus if the skill involves something physical!
Share more about yourself:
When we first meet someone, we tend to ask tons of questions about our past, our goals, our fears, our feelings. As the relationship progresses, we often forget to keep having these conversations. We assume we know the answers and stop asking. Try asking these questions again and sharing more stories and memories with each other. You might be surprised by how much you still have to learn! If you don’t know where to start, there are some fun card games that get the conversation started and can strengthen any relationship. Here are two of my favorites:
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Begin engaging in vulnerable conversations about your relationship:
Couples often ask me in session, “If this hasn’t worked before, why should I trust that this would work now?” This question, rooted in self-protection, is completely understandable. It’s vulnerable and potentially terrifying to hope for something that hasn’t worked in the past. If you’ve expressed your needs to your partner before and you haven’t felt heard, it can feel too scary to try again knowing the potential risk. However, by not trying again, we can guarantee that our needs will not be met and growth will not occur. By closing ourselves off from potential harm, we close ourselves off from connection too. Of course, there is a time and a place for having these conversations, and therapy can be a great place to open yourself up to trusting again.
If you’re ready to begin taking risks and growing your relationship, the therapists at Root to Rise Therapy are here to help. A therapist can support you and cultivate an environment of safety that allows for more risk and vulnerability. Reach out to our Client Care Coordinator today to find out who would be a good fit for you and your needs!
Warmly,
Jessica Leader LMFT
P.S. Stay tuned for updates as my partner and I take scuba diving lessons in the new year!