Is EMDR Right for Me?
Whats the deal with EMDR? People in the field of trauma treatment are buzzing about it. My clients are both intrigued and confused by it, and even more intrigued when it actually works. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) is a therapy treatment which reprocesses memories that became stuck in our brains and bodies during the trauma. Forgive my metaphor, but imagine taking a toilet plunger and unclogging the toilet of your mind. Gross? Yes. Effective? Heck yes!
You might be wondering, is EMDR for me? Maybe you’ve had a pretty nice or OK life. Maybe you haven’t been sexually abused, or lived through a natural disaster, or fought as a combat soldier in the Iraq war. Well, I’m here to tell you that EMDR could still be for you. Trauma as defined by EMDR can be obvious, like being sexually abused, witnessing death, violence, or natural disasters for example. But trauma can also be any sort of adverse life experience that results in “the experience of neglect or abuse that undermines an individual’s sense of self-worth, safety, ability to assume appropriate responsibility for self or other, or limits one’s sense of control of choices,” says Francine Shapiro, the founder of EMDR.
Ok, hold on. Lets break all this psycho-babble down a bit. “The experience of neglect or abuse”. Think about it: how many times have you had experiences in your life where you walked away feeling neglected or at least some degree of abused? From feeling sad when mom worked late and you were home alone when you were a kid, from another kid being mean to you on the schoolyard. I have a memory of waking up from a nap as a little girl of maybe 5 or 6, and my parents weren’t home anymore because they left to go out to dinner. I was devastated when I woke up to find my babysitter downstairs watching TV, and my parents gone. I didn’t know if they were coming back. And this small moment still has affects on me today. The other day my partner left in the morning without saying goodbye. I woke up to an empty apartment and all of a sudden I was 5 again, wondering why mommy and daddy were gone and if they were coming back. The point is, there are so many instances where you might feel neglected or mistreated that would not be considered “traumatic” as you would think of it. But if our past experiences affect our present-day relationships and interactions, it means that we are still reacting to our past.
“Trauma doesn’t have to be what we think of as “big T” Trauma. “Little t” trauma can take the form of any adverse life experience that causes our body to seize up, and our mind and hearts to suffer.”
Lets look at the next bit: “The experience of neglect or abuse that undermines an individual’s sense of self.” OK, can you think of how many life experiences led you to question yourself, or wonder who you even are anymore? Sure, when my father was paralyzed from the neck down in a surgery a year and a half ago and my family nearly fell apart, my sense of self was undermined. But there was also that time when my friend told me I was selfish. And there was also that time when I got a C- in Anthropology class my freshman year of college. These moments certainly caused me to question who I was, due to the inconsistency of these experiences with my sense of myself. It doesn’t have to be “Big T” trauma to have the affect of undermining our sense of self.
Now let’s talk about safety. “An experience of abuse or neglect that limits ones sense safety.” How many times have you had experiences that undermined your sense of safety? Every time I walk down a street at night when I’m alone, I fear for my safety. This is not because I suffered a deep trauma walking down the street. But I’ve heard stories and seen movies and that all makes me aware of the possibility of being unsafe. Moving on: “Undermines an individuals….ability to assume appropriate responsibility for self or other.” I have a client who watched her father beat her mother when she was infant. She couldn’t do anything about it. As an infant, her sense of ability to assume responsibility for herself and other was shattered. But also there was that time when a rumor started about her at work that she was dating one of her coworkers. She was humiliated and cried for days. “Little t” traumas can be any sort of adverse life events that challenge our sense of efficacy and ability to assume responsibility to ourselves or other people.
And the last bit: “An experience of abuse or neglect that limits ones sense of control or choices.” I have a client who keeps going on dates with men and then not hearing from them after the date. She feels out of control and just can’t figure out if she is doing something wrong or if she is just having bad luck or meeting the wrong men. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but some of the biggest fights I’ve had in past relationships was choosing a restaurant to go to dinner. I also know that my past is triggered in these situations, moments as a child where I could not choose and doubted myself. As you can see, seemingly benign experiences can limit our sense of control or choice.
So what are we learning here? Trauma doesn’t have to be what we think of as “big T” Trauma. “Little t” trauma can take the form of any adverse life experience that causes our body to seize up, and our mind and hearts to suffer. EMDR and Mindfulness can help alleviate this suffering. Think about some of the experiences you’ve had in your life that have undermined your sense of self, safety, ability to take care of yourself and others, or limited your ability to choose or make choices. I think we can all agree that everyone has had adverse life experiences that could use some dislodging and reprocessing. Do you feel yourself repeating patterns from your past? Reacting to small triggers and having difficulty shaking yourself off? Hyper-focusing on small arguments or having the arguments over and over with your partner? Do you ever notice your body tensing and heart beginning to race during an interaction and wonder why you get so upset about little things? Your past is likely being triggered.
But here’s the good news: EMDR can help. I can help. If you are reading this article, chances are that you are interested in EMDR. Do you want to: argue less with your partner; feel less reactive and more in control of your responses, feel more confident; be more compassionate to yourself and others; increase empathy and understanding; and overall feel more effective? With everything going on politically these days and people being triggered left and right, this is the perfect time to start your journey. If you have any questions or want to understand more about if EMDR is for you or not, call me today. Lets talk!
