Levels of Validation
We all want to feel valid in our experience—and for our partner to acknowledge it.
As a therapist, one of the most effective tools I teach couples is how to practice validation.
Once they start actively strengthening their validation muscle, emotional security can be nurtured. This is because validation in a relationship increases trust, strengthens empathy, and creates space for vulnerability.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) outlines 6 levels of validation as part of the therapy process to help clients manage and express their emotions and behaviors effectively—which is crucial in relationships.
Level One: Be Present and Interested
Show your interest in paying attention to your partner through body language and behavior. Look your partner in the eye when they are speaking to you, put your phone aside, and nod to relay engagement.
Level Two: Accurate Reflection
Summarize and reflect back what you heard your partner say. After that, ask something along the lines of “Did I understand you correctly?”. Most importantly, practice non-judgment and curiosity through this process. Listen to understand rather than to agree.
Level Three: Guess the Feeling Based on Behavior
Here is where we practice what I like to call attunement –an unspoken ability to understand and resonate with our partner. We, of course, cannot read minds, but with time and practice, we can learn to discern what our partner may be feeling based on the clues we observe. This level of validation is powerful because it conveys to our partner that we are actively making an effort to understand them through our own volition.
Level Four: Understand Behavior from History
I’ve heard many clients express frustration with their partner’s reactions or behaviors. Once they start learning more about their partner’s history, it puts the current situation into context. When we create context, we cultivate compassion.
Level Five: Normalize Emotional Reactions
This level involves directly communicating to your partner that their experience is human and normal. Some examples are: “It makes so much sense that you feel this way” or “We all have our moments.” However, it is important to do this only with behaviors that are truly understandable because they are a logical response to current facts.
Level Six: Radical Genuineness
This level involves being genuine, while also not being patronizing or treating your partner as if they are too fragile. Treat your partner with respect and equality. Be open to expressing the truth of your perspective in a manner that conveys respect for your partner and yourself.
Working with a therapist to help you and your partner build this skill can help jumpstart and solidify the process of learning the levels of validation. Please get in touch with our Client Care Coordinator at Root to Rise to book an appointment with one of our therapists today!
Warmly,
Atalie, AMFT
