Differentiating Between Behaviors and Identity
Through much of my work with clients, I understand the importance of creating a distinction between behaviors and identity. In a recent session, a client expressed the cognitive dissonance they were experiencing due to the polarity of respecting and admiring their partner yet finding their current behaviors to be very off-putting. Having an awareness of the duality of a person’s character and behaviors can go a long way in increasing compassion, understanding, and communication.
The article, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy’s The Sky and the Weather Metaphor, helps illustrate this concept. In this metaphor, you envision yourself as the sky. The weather represents behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. The weather comes and passes through without your control—thunderstorms, clouds, rain, etc. However, it always passes, and you, the sky, remain. I absolutely love this metaphor to help encapsulate the distinction between our identity and our external behaviors, thoughts, and emotions.
Why is it important to become aware of this distinction?
I’ve highlighted three major shifts that happen once we begin to disidentify from our behaviors:
1. We experience more compassion and self-empowerment.
When our identity and sense of self feels threatened, we become defensive. Many find it hard to take response-ability (the ability to respond instead of react) when operating from fear and self-preservation. Feeling secure in our identity allows us to address our behaviors and take responsibility for them more objectively.
2. We begin to focus on what we can and cannot control.
We can observe our behaviors with less judgment and more curiosity when we externalize them. We also dismantle our fusion to them. We can begin to understand that we can’t control the emergence of our thoughts and emotions, but we can learn to control and shape our behaviors in response to them.
3. We are able to communicate more effectively.
An important aspect of effective communication is the ability to differentiate between observable behaviors and feelings. Another essential component is eliminating assumptions and name-calling altogether, thus differentiating between a person’s identity and behaviors. For example, “I felt hurt when you yelled at me for not coming to help you clean out the garage” comes off very differently than “You’re a horrible person who always yells when you don’t get your way.”
Working with a therapist to raise awareness around these distinctions can help jumpstart and solidify the process. Please get in touch with our Client Care Coordinator at Root to Rise to book an appointment with one of our therapists today!
With gratitude,
Atalie Abramovici
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