3 Steps to Setting Boundaries
As an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and someone who constantly seeks growth and understanding of the human condition, I find that breaking down boundary setting into three components is a useful way to guide clients through the process.
The three steps are: Identification, Assertion, and Enforcement.
Step 1– Identify Your Boundaries
How do you build a home without a blueprint? How do you know where to place the windows for others to look in through, or the doors to let them inside? How solid is the foundation and the support of the walls protecting you inside? In order to set boundaries, we need to know what our boundaries are! I like to break down boundaries into physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, time-related… the list can go on! Once I have identified the various levels of boundaries, I connect to my intuition and ask myself questions such as, “How would I like to feel in the presence of others?”, “What are my limits?”, “How do I want to be talked to?”, “How much of my time am I willing to give without sacrificing my own well-being?”, etc. Once I have clearly defined my personal boundaries, I have more clarity on how to communicate them to others.
Step 2 – State/Assert Your Boundaries
This is where assertive communication comes in. I like to remind my clients that assertive communication does not harm others and gets your point across. My absolute favorite technique is the sandwich technique for assertive communication. The first slice of bread is starting with a positive, which can look like: “I am so happy that you’re in my life and that you care so much about me.” Then, the meat/cheese/veggies in the middle of your sandwich is stating your boundaries, using “I” statements, your feelings, and focusing more on behaviors and less on “all or nothing” assumptions or name calling. An example of this would be: “I feel overwhelmed when you call me during my workday to ask for advice. I would appreciate it if you would call me after work and check if I have time and energy then.” Then you complete the sandwich by ending with a positive, which can look like: “Thank you for listening. I care so much about you and I hope we can grow closer and stronger through communicating with one another.” This method is the most effective way to ensure the other is off defense-mode and able to truly listen to what you are saying.
Step 3 – Enforce Your Boundaries
This step is undoubtedly crucial, yet often an afterthought. Our own clarity and assertion of our boundaries does not ensure others’ comfortability with them. This is where I like to return to the house metaphor. Your house is built and secure, yet someone may go to all ends in order to break in. This is where you may need to add locks, or maybe even decide not to answer the door. In action, this could look like reminding somebody of the boundary you set earlier and physically stepping away when they cross it, or not engaging in old dynamics that others may unconsciously act on in order to pull you back into the cycle. Enforcing boundaries may be the most difficult step in the entire breakdown of boundary setting, but it’s important to remember that we teach others how to treat us.
We are all capable of effective boundary setting in all areas of our lives. It all starts with you. Remember, boundaries are for you, not for others. If it helps, try visualizing yourself as someone who is assertive and empowered. This is your life. You wake up every morning with yourself and go to sleep every night with yourself, so you might as well invest in the longest and most intimate relationship you have in your life. You can be the author of your own narrative. It all begins with these three steps.
If you are interested in learning more about Boundaries, sign up here to receive our free download 5 Tips for Setting Boundaries, a gift from the founder of Root to Rise Therapy, Becky White MFT.
And as always, we are here for you. Contact us today if you are feeling ready to explore how to set boundaries in your relationships.
With Gratitude,
Atalie Abramovici, AMFT
