Why Parental Estrangement is Sometimes Unavoidable
If a friend came to you for advice about how to move forward in a relationship that was causing them continual distress and pain, what advice would you give them? If you’ve been in therapy before, you’d probably encourage them to start by communicating their feelings. If that doesn’t work, setting boundaries would most likely be the next course of action. If the boundaries were not respected and your friend continued to be hurt, you would start to hint at ending the relationship. This advice feels relatively straightforward in a romantic or companion relationship. But what happens if the relationship that is causing continual distress and pain is with a parent? Does the course of action change? This very question comes up in therapy sessions with adult children regularly, yet rarely without some sense of guilt or shame. In reality, around 27% of adults experience family estrangement that either they or another family member initiates (Karl Pillemer, Fault Lines). So much of the stigma surrounding family estrangement is based upon the assumption that our parents being in our lives is always the best option for our mental health. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. If you are an adult child struggling with having an estranged relationship with a parent, here are some important things to remember:
It is rarely an easy or sudden decision
A common misconception regarding family estrangement is that one negative experience leads to a family member being cut off on an impulse. The clients I have worked with who are estranged from their parents have tried various alternatives and spent significant time and energy mulling over this decision. Estrangement generally comes as a last resort. Think about it this way- very rarely do people WANT to not have a relationship with a parent. In order to reach the place of estrangement, having no relationship was healthier than having a relationship. That still doesn’t make the decision easy or painless.
You are allowed to grieve
Even if the estrangement was initiated by you, you are allowed to grieve. Even if the person is still alive, you are allowed to grieve. Even if the messages you are receiving from those around you make you feel guilty, you are allowed to grieve. The loss of a familial relationship can create a profound sense of loneliness and emptiness. Pay attention to how this is impacting the other relationships in your life. A couple that I work with is currently experiencing the individual and shared impacts of Daniella* taking some distance from her parents. Together in session, Daniella has been able to acknowledge how she has relied even more on Noah* for support and how this has impacted their relationship dynamics. As with any loss, grief is not linear and has myriad impacts. Even if eliminating contact with a family member felt necessary, you are allowed to grieve.
It does not need to be permanent
Though it can be, not all separation needs to be permanent, and not all separation needs to have a timeline. For many, cutting off communication permanently can feel overwhelming and terrifying. When some form of separation feels necessary, all that we know is that it feels necessary now. We can’t predict what the future holds. In college, a friend of mine was struggling with maintaining a relationship with a parent in active addiction. This friend experienced immense inner conflict regarding how to move forward. On one hand, she was feeling powerless and afraid she was enabling her father by continuing communication with him. On top of that, her mental health was suffering. On the other hand, she felt tremendous guilt about abandoning him in a time of need. Eventually, she had to set boundaries and suspend communication in order to prioritize herself. Now, years later, their relationship has begun to mend. Her father got sober and cited the estrangement as a pivotal motivating factor. My friend was able to preserve her future relationship with her father by setting boundaries then.
You are not alone
Cutting off ties with a family member is not uncommon, yet it is rarely spoken about. A client of mine, Mark*, had finally decided to take some space from his mother who could not respect his boundaries and frequently made comments that triggered his eating disorder. While in the process of healing, he needed to remove himself from people, places, and things that stood in the way of his recovery. Devastatingly for Mark, his mother was one of them. In therapy, we had worked hard to eliminate his overwhelming shame and guilt. However, he was not so sure others would understand. Mark experienced intense apprehension in dating as a result, anxiously awaiting and rehearsing any question about his relationship with his parents. On his 3rd date with someone he was starting to like, the fateful question eventually came. “What is your relationship like with your parents?” Mark shared that he is taking space from his mother and that he never had a relationship with his father. To his disbelief, his date went on to share that she also was estranged from her parents and had been worried about expressing this to a partner. For weeks, both Mark and his date had dreaded a question that ended up bringing them closer together.
I want to return to the question that prompted this blog post. Mark reflected, “It feels like you’re supposed to have a relationship with your parents if they are still alive. Is my situation normal?” Despite knowing his decision was right for him, he couldn’t quite shake the stigma and shame he felt. This very question speaks to how challenging and emotional this decision can be both within yourself and in communication with others.
If you are struggling with a family relationship in any capacity, therapy is a safe, non-judgmental space to explore various options and figure out what is best for you, decided by you. To find out if one of our therapists can help you navigate these feelings, contact our Client Care Coordinator today for a free consultation call.
Warmly,
Jessica Leader, AMFT