Why Avoidance Makes Anxiety Worse and How to Break the Cycle
How To Stop Anxiety, Avoidance, and “Should-ing” All Over Yourself
Your hands are trembling. Your foot is tapping. Your breath is short, and your heart is pounding. ...But you’re just sitting on your couch watching Love Island… In other words, nothing terrifying or threatening is really happening…(though admittedly Love Island can often depict some pretty horrifying interactions…)
Maybe you have an assignment due that you’ve been putting off, or maybe you know you’re supposed to call your grandparents because it’s been a hot minute since Hanukkah when you last checked in, or maybe it's time to do your taxes but you think you might owe this year and you really don’t want to find out. Whatever it is, you may be engaging in some avoidance. And that avoidance might be what’s responsible for your low-grade, continuous, chronic anxiety.
We live in a world of obligations. We have to go to work. We have to abide by traffic laws. We have to remember our best friend’s birthday. And we have to add “lol” at the end of potentially controversial text messages to buffer the impact. When the things we have to do become “shoulds”, they lose all semblance of joy and become pressurized requirements that we must complete or accomplish.
The longer we go avoiding the obligation, the stronger the pressure becomes. The stronger the pressure, the further away we get from wanting to work on or accomplish the “should”. And in the space between “should” and “done”, anxiety covertly burrows under, expands, and fills the gap like a thick, nasty stink-bomb.
So how do we “get rid” of that anxiety? One would think that just completing the task or obligation would be the antidote. But, like a snake eating its own tail, we can’t accomplish what we have to because of the paralyzing wall of anxiety. And we feel anxiety because we can’t accomplish the task. And so on and so forth.
In session, I like to roll up my sleeves, fire up my low beams, and help clients through the stanky fog of anxiety by identifying the inner part that seems to be “should-ing all over” my client. (Pun. In. Tended.)
Often, my clients report a strong, forceful inner voice saying things like “You HAVE TO get that assignment done. If you don’t, then you’ll fail the class. If you fail the class, then you won’t graduate! And if you don’t graduate, you’ll never get a job! And if you never get a job, you’ll be a bum, and your parents will be SO disappointed! And if your parents are disappointed in you, you literally and figuratively might die!”
That part might also sound mean. It might whisper to you in a menacing, threatening hiss, “You have to get this assignment done. If you don’t, you’re worthless. Everything else good about you won’t even matter, so stop procrastinating and get to work.”
Though this might sound extremely over the top and dramatic to the logical part of you that’s reading this article, there may be another part that might know these voices and believe them in some deep, fearful way. When the “should” gets so big, mean, or catastrophic, the anxiety and avoidance grow thicker. But if we can identify, sit with, and try to understand the inner part that’s doing the bullying or panicking, we can begin to clear the fog of anxiety.
Sometimes in session, I might pull up an empty chair (as cringe as that sounds) just to focus on and externalize this part as separate, and to address it head-on. We might give it a name, like “The Bully” or “The Procrastinator” or “Manic Pixie Panicker” (Great band name).
I might ask my client to tell me what this part usually says, what are the main points of it’s TedTalk, what hill is it willing to die on? (I might even encourage my client to create a slideshow or write a mission statement from the perspective of this part if they feel called to do so).
And then I invite my client to ask this part why this stance is so important to it? What’s it trying to do by creating all this anxiety? What’s it so afraid of?
What usually comes out isn’t so scary or mean at all.
Once we can uncover or dismantle this part’s underlying fear or vulnerability, just like in relationships, we can move towards greater understanding, less fear or distance, and more relief. Because when we can understand and shift a “should” to “I would actually like to”, we can cut through that anxiety and avoidance and lovingly support ourselves through accomplishing our big, scary obligations that may seemingly hold so much weight.
If you resonate with the post and you’d like help through your own fog of anxiety or avoidance, reach out to our Client Care Coordinator to begin working with a therapist who can help you stop “should-ing” all over yourself.
