Grieving a Transition, Even When the Change is Positive
A new job, a new relationship, a new baby, a new city. Change can be exciting, a chance to start over and experience new opportunities and challenges. We are often taught and expected to celebrate these transitions. So it can be confusing when we feel emotions other than joy or excitement. If you are going through a change in life, even a positive one, and you’re feeling negative emotions, read on. You’re not alone.
Why am I feeling (insert negative emotion here) about this positive change?
It can be confusing or upsetting to feel anything negative regarding a change that we have wanted or worked towards. The important thing to remember is that it’s okay to experience a variety of emotions during a time of change. And it can be helpful to understand the myriad of reasons we might feel a negative emotion regarding a change in our lives.
Change Comes With Loss: Experiencing a life transition not only involves experiencing new terrain, it often also requires a loss of some kind. Whether that’s a shedding of an old identity, leaving behind hometown friends, or sacrificing some freedom and independence when becoming a parent, these are all losses that can cause significant grief.
Adopting a New Identity: When we experience a big life transition, we often have to modulate our self-perception to accommodate the change. For example, if we get a new job, we often have to shift our identity to make space for the new role and all it requires of us. The same can be said for having a child, or moving to a new city or country. Shedding our old identity and creating one anew is tough and can cause a lot of uncomfortable feelings.
Pressure to Smile: A lot of the positive changes that may happen in our lives are those that society tells us to celebrate. And the expectation that we feel happy about transitions can make any negative feelings even more confusing. It’s important to remember that it’s okay to hold space for both the positive and negative emotions, and that they can co-exist.
Ambiguous Grief: Sometimes, we feel grief during a transition that we don’t understand or cannot put our finger on. This can take shape as letting go of old dreams, experiencing the passage of time as children grow up, or even lacking a clear reason. Grief deserves space and is valid to feel during a life change.
What Can I Do About It?
Recognizing that negative emotions can surface during a life transition is the first step in processing and managing the feelings. Once you are able to identify that you are experiencing a confusing mix of feelings during even a positive life transition, there are several strategies you can use to work through them.
Create New Routines (or stick to old ones): Sometimes, grief can feel heightened when our routines change along with the life transition. Sticking closely to our old routines and patterns throughout the day, or creating new routines that work within our schedule can bring us comfort and help our minds calm within the stress of the life transition.
Seek Social Support: Because grief during a positive life change can feel confusing and isolating, it can be helpful to seek out social support and talk with others who may have experienced similar feelings. Talking to friends and family, seeking out therapy, or even joining a support group can all be helpful steps in understanding and working through the grief.
Lean Into Comfort: Negative emotions often leave us feeling tired, unmotivated, depressed, or withdrawn. In these moments, it is helpful to identify and engage with activities that bring us comfort and/or joy. Engaging with a previously enjoyed hobby, practicing active or gentle movement, listening to soothing music, watching a favorite TV show or reading a good book - all of these and more can comfort our nervous system and help us navigate those harder emotions.
You’re Not Alone
Going through a major life change can bring about grief, uncertainty, anger, fear, and many other negative emotions, even as we feel excitement, contentment, or joy. This dichotomy can feel confusing and difficult to navigate. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone, and this emotional reaction, while it can feel isolating, can also be a source of connection with others. If you find yourself having trouble navigating the confusing mix of emotions that can come with a life transition, schedule a consultation call with our Client Care Coordinator who can connect you with an experienced therapist at Root To Rise Therapy to provide compassionate support.
