Love is All You Need?: When Outsourcing Our Lovability to Others Becomes Romantic Codependency or Love Addiction
"You complete me." "I'm everything I am because you loved me." "Every breath you take. Every move you make. I'll be watching you." RomComs and love songs teach us about love. (Or stalking?) And that lesson often conveys the idea that we are incomplete without a romantic partner, and that they're supposed to be the missing piece to the puzzle of us.
In our culture, romantic love is king. (Or queen.) (Of hearts?) The extent to which we are identified with our romantic partners and the love they provide has become a measure of devotion and, consequently, our worth. Some of us figure, "If my partner is obsessed with me, then I must be lovable and worthwhile after all." Our own self-esteem becomes contingent on our romantic lovability. And then Ed Sheeran or Bruno Mars sings a song about it and then your favorite couple has their first dance to it and shoves cake in each other's mouths and then it's pretty much done and dusted.
Don't get me wrong, we need love to survive. Evolutionarily, to be loved was to be safe. To be cared for was to be looked after, especially in the wake of danger. If we were loved in our loin cloths, we were more likely to survive with the support from our community in times of need.
However, the dependency on love to ultimately feel good about ourselves today is sometimes known as codependency or love addiction, and has become normalized in our society, especially in context to monogamous romantic relationships.
What Is Love Addiction and How Do I Know If I Have It?
Do you find yourself preoccupied with whatever is happening or not happening in your love life? Are you usually itching to leave a night-out early so that you can come home to your partner to finally feel that spike of desire or validation? Do you repetitively check your phone to see if that guy you're kind of talking to texted you back yet?…No, but like you're nonchalant about it and you don't really care at all…but actually you really really do care because somehow someway you were taught and now believe that if Kyle thinks you're hot and wants you, then you actually matter…?
Recently I attended a friend's baby shower and started talking to a woman I didn't know. (As if I do that for a living…) I heard all about her upcoming wedding: the dress, the ring, the venue, oh, and of course, the man. Between brunch, games and gifts, I asked how they met, I learned about the first time they said "I love you", I heard about the proposal, I pretty much knew everything PG-rated about this woman's love life, except for maybe the first time she left the door open in the bathroom…(and hey, maybe that was more PG-13 stuff…). It wasn't until people began saying their goodbyes and goodlucks that I learned that this woman was a really successful OB-GYN with a thriving private practice and a passion for women's reproductive rights. And I don't intend to share this anecdote with the intention of implying that one's career is more important or valid than one's love life, but I present it here as an example of the extent to which we might fixate on love; where a stranger these days might learn more about your love life than your life's work.
What Is the Psychology Behind Needing Romantic Validation to Feel Worthy?
Of course this isn't the case for many many people. But for the handful of lover-boys/girls/individuals who have fallen victim to the narrative that love conquers and cures all, I'd speculate that, psychologically, these people struggle with a deficit of self-generated love. Perhaps they also feel hyper-judgmental, disappointed, disgusted or dissatisfied with themselves. Maybe their negative self-talk is loud and their self-criticism is rampant. And maybe they've felt this way for so long that they've begun to believe it, that they're truly not good enough. So when someone shows romantic interest in them, and sees them in a completely different and flattering light than they see themselves, it's not only a relief from that self-loathing or self-abandonment, it's intoxicating. And this is where love addiction or codependency can creep in: that to be without this kind of external validation is to be left alone with their own excruciating shame and pain.
How Does Inner Child Work Connect to Romantic Codependency?
I like to imagine this inner dynamic as a scene or tableau with some of my clients who struggle with this kind of codependency or love addiction: I imagine the adult version of my client sitting in a chair across a table from the object (or subject) of their love. This can be their spouse, partner, or even Kyle. Under the table sits my client's younger self; their inner child, playing with dolls or blocks or an abacus if they're nerdy like that. The adult self keeps insisting that their inner child go play with their lover under the table. The inner child crawls over to the lover, tugs on their pants, calls out their name, reaches out, even offers them their abacus, and depending on the lover, they may or may not join the inner child on the floor to play. Regardless of what the lover does, the inner child never truly feels like they're in the same game, playing by the same rules, or seeing the exact same imaginary dragon-puppy-dolphin creature they swore they've seen in the park. It's only when the adult self gets on the floor to play with, listen to, comfort or help them use the abacus to calculate the exact measurements of the dragon-puppy-dolphin, that the inner child can stop yearning for love from another and just feel loved all the time.
Can Therapy Help You Heal Love Addiction and Codependency?
This is how we can begin to heal this kind of romantic dependency. As cheesy as it is, (as love stories often are), the belief that we're nothing without someone loving us romantically is actually a gaping opportunity to relearn how to truly love ourselves. But this takes time and trust and therapy, especially if you've been seeking out love in this way for as long as you can remember. If you'd like to begin understanding and healing your romantic codependency, love addiction, or need for relational validation, schedule a call with our Client Care Coordinator to start working with a therapist who can help you seek out love and adoration from, ultimately, you.
