Bringing Brené into the Couples Therapy Room: How Brené Brown’s Empathy vs. Sympathy Helps Couples Connect in Couples Therapy
Contrary to the meticulous design of my vintage, alternative, 2cool4school, micro-bangs-sporting, indysleaze, glam-rock-meets-American-Apparel adolescent lifestyle, I am now, admittedly, a basic b*tch. (Adolescent me is cringing.) I wear all-black activewear to yoga, I order an iced vanilla latte (...with whole milk…) at the local coffee shop, I enjoy an afternoon saunter around a Target (and I mean a big and legitimate Target, not one of those knock-off, phony, City Targets), and I, like many, am a Brené Brown stan.
Who Is Brené Brown and Why Does Her Work Matter in Therapy?
For those of you who have been hibernating or perpetually dissociating from the cultural zeitgeist for the better part of sixteen years, Brené Brown is a social worker, researcher, best-selling author, podcaster, and public speaker best known for her work on vulnerability, shame, and leadership. Her popularity grew after giving an iconic TED Talk in 2010 that shooketh the ethers and sent a digital seismic wave through the internet, and honestly, hasn’t stopped thanks to moms on Facebook, nostalgic YouTubers, and mental health enthusiasts.
Brown’s profound quotes and speeches have made their way into the hearts, minds, and ears of so many different people that they’ve almost become anthropological. (Basic = Popular, and that’s usually for good reason). Rational, researched, and relatable, Brown’s concepts have also found their way into the therapy room, sometimes constituting the language of many psychological principles discussed between therapist and client.
What Is the Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy?
In my work with clients, specifically couples, I often find myself referencing one of Brown’s concepts in particular: On Empathy vs. Sympathy, where Brown delineates, “Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.”
What Does Empathy vs Sympathy Look Like in Real Life?
My favorite way to integrate this concept into my sessions with couples is to describe or even play a whimsical, animated video (by Katy Davis) depicting sweet, little, animal creatures acting out Brown’s words from her 2013 talk delivered at the Royal Society for the encouragement of Arts in London.
Let me paint the picture for you. We open on a sad fox. (Miles Finch from Elf (2003) could never). This sad fox has a gray cloud over her head, and she falls down through a hole in the ground, representing the depth and confinement of her sadness. We hear Brown’s audio say, “I always think of empathy as this sacred space, where someone is kind of in a deep hole, and they shout out from the bottom, and they say, ‘I’m stuck. It’s dark. I’m overwhelmed.” We then see a ladder appear with Sad Fox’s friend Cool Bear climbing down into Sad Fox’s sad foxhole, as Brown speaks, “And then we climb down and say ‘Hey. I know what it’s like down here and you’re not alone.’”
Brown explains: “Empathy is a choice. And it’s a vulnerable choice. Because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.”
To juxtapose this illustration of empathy, Brown creates a comparative dynamic depicting sympathy. We see Sad Fox’s friend Aloof Antelope, or Distant Deer, or whatever kind of ungulate it is, pop its head into the hole and say, “Ooh, it’s bad [down there], huh…You want a sandwich?”
The Antelope/Deer friend doesn’t climb down into the hole with Sad Fox like Cool Bear did, but rather, stays above ground and offers “silver linings” as a way to help Sad Fox feel better. Brené speaks, “Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response start with [the words] ‘at least’....It happens all the time. Because someone just shared something with us that’s incredibly painful and we’ll try to silver-line it…
-I had a miscarriage.
-At least you know you can get pregnant.
-I think my marriage is falling apart.
-At least you have a marriage.
-John’s getting kicked out of school.
-At least Sarah is an A student.”
Why Does Sympathy Sometimes Feel Dismissive?
Though Detached Doe or Standoffish Stag means well and wants Sad Fox to feel better, their approach ends up feeling dismissive and misattuned.
Brené brings it home as Cool Bear continues to just sit in the hole with Sad Fox, “...One of the things we do sometimes in the face of difficult conversations is we try to make things better. [But] if I share something with you that’s very difficult, I’d rather you say, ‘I don’t even know what to say right now, I’m just so glad you told me.’ Because the truth is, rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
How Does Empathy Improve Communication in Relationships?
When I see a disconnected couple in my office struggling to understand one another’s perspectives or feelings, I often introduce this concept as a gateway towards conjuring more empathy within the relationship. Responding more empathically to your partner is a surefire way to de-escalate conflict and move closer towards mutual understanding and connection.
When one partner is at the bottom of a sad foxhole, we can learn how to respond in a way that makes our partner feel heard and understood and ultimately closer. We lean away from “at least”, or attempts to cheer our partner up, which may feel counterintuitive at first, and we do like Cool Bear does, and meet our partner where they are, often at the bottom of a sad foxhole. We don’t take responsibility for our partner’s feelings or feel compelled to shake them out of their pain. Rather, we honor their emotional experience and let them know we’re here with them.
What Does an Empathic Response Look Like in a Relationship?
For instance, say your partner comes home from work feeling anxious, guilty, and incompetent after getting reamed by their boss in an all-staff meeting. Rather than try to reassure your partner or convince them that they are competent, or…offer them a sandwich…, we learn to pull up a chair, validate their feelings, be curious, and let them know that you’re simply there with them in their emotional experience.
How Do You Show Empathy When You Feel Defensive?
However, sometimes (often) an empathic response feels contradictory to how a partner actually feels or wants to respond during conflict. Through communication exercises, emotional regulation, and intentional, temporary compartmentalization, we understand the importance of providing an empathic response to our partner as a way to allow them to feel heard before we go into our own sad foxhole and share our feelings.
For instance, say your partner comes home from work and is feeling upset and neglected because you didn’t pick up the phone or call them back when they reached out for comfort after they got reamed by their boss in an all-staff meeting. Your knee-jerk reaction might be to defend yourself and explain that you were in your own meeting or attending to the needs of your children or…making a sandwich… -That it’s not because you didn’t care or didn’t want to be there for them, which it might feel like they’re insinuating. But through this concept of empathy and utilizing communication tools learned in therapy, you might decide to respond differently. You might decide to notice your defensiveness and honor your own perspective and explanation, but put it aside through any emotional regulation tool or tactic, and go down into your partner’s sad foxhole in order for them to feel heard and understood, even if it sounds like you are the reason for their sad foxhole feeling. You might say something like, “I’m sorry, baby/angel/bubba/nugget-head (or whatever very normal thing you call each other). That sounds really hard and lonely to not be able to talk to me when you really needed comfort today. Tell me more about how you felt.” After you’ve been able to sit in their hole for a while and provide an empathic response to them, then you can share your feelings or explanation with them, only if they’re regulated enough to provide you with an empathic response back. If not, you can bring up your feelings later or at another time. This isn’t to say your feelings are less important. This is more about the “order of operations” while utilizing empathy as a way to turn towards one another, especially during conflict.
Can Couples Learn Empathy in Therapy?
Whether Brené Brown knows it or not, her words and concepts are echoing in therapy rooms across the world, allowing clients and couples to learn how to be there for one another through empathy, especially during difficult times.
If you feel called to learn more about how to approach your partner or anyone in your life, including yourself, with more empathy rather than sympathy (or a silver lining sandwich), schedule a call with our client care coordinator to begin working with a therapist who can help you find more empathy and connection and be more like Cool Bear.
