How To Break The Self-Doubt Spiral: Geeking Yourself Out Of Self-Doubt
Why Does Self-Doubt Spiral So Quickly?
You know the days when you feel off or down in the D’s or not too hot about yourself? The days when you’re spiraling out, basing your entire worth on, say, a negative response to your presentation at work, or a disappointing grade on a paper, or being “left on read,” with no text back from your situationship? Self doubt starts to creep in when your sales are low this month or you find out your friends have a whole other group chat that you’re not included in, or maybe you somehow managed to burn another piece of toast that made the smoke detector go off at midnight again and woke up all your neighbors…generally speaking…
When we experience disappointing responses to our efforts, it’s tempting to make that mean something about how unskilled we are, how incompetent we must be, or even how unlovable or undeserving of a person we feel we are. We tell ourselves a story that if we had just worked a little harder, or said the right thing, or “mastered” the extremely simple art of toasting toast, then we would receive a more favorable response and thus, feel better about ourselves.
Why Do We Tie Our Worth to Other People’s Reactions?
It’s tempting to interpret external reactions, responses, or feedback from others as calibration for how worthy or valuable we are. In fact, this mental system is rooted in survival. Evolutionarily, humans are a social species where belonging and acceptance within society or a specific social group ensures safety and sustenance which are integral to survival. Conversely, disapproval or social rejection or isolation could result in exile, danger, and ultimately increased threat of death, especially by predators.
So when we scan for qualitative feedback, social reaction, or a response to our efforts, the brain (or the limbic system) is actually engaging in a risk assessment for survival. In this sense, you’re actually NOT overreacting to the covert group chat or the disappointing grade, or the repeated midnight-smoke-detector toast-gate. Somewhere in our “reptilian brain,” the threat of social isolation and decreased chances of survival looms in reaction to these potentially adverse responses. And despite the fact that our environment and circumstances no longer involve running away from life-threatening dangers like lions, tigers, and bears (oh my!), the brain is still wired to detect these life-threatening risks and act accordingly.
How Do We Calm the Survival Brain When It Overreacts?
So how do we soothe this poor, overfunctioning, relic-of-a-brain scrutinizing prehistoric perils? The movie Encino Man (1992) comes to mind. (But it should be noted that this movie was like way before my time, okay? I’m not that old…I’m not a regular therapist, I’m a cool therapist). In the movie, a caveman is found underground in a block of ice and must acclimate to modern society in Encino, California. This is exactly the task or character arc of our limbic system. How can we adapt our more primitive brain, designed to prioritize survival and protect against extinction, to live and function in the modern world? How do we swap out the loin cloth for a ‘fit check?
While there are many different evidence-based tactics to self-regulate such as various DBT skills, mindfulness tools, or emotional self-attunment (which I refer to as R.A.I.N. in my practice, which you can read more about here), sometimes it can be simpler than that. Sometimes it just comes down to good old cognitive refocusing.
Can Curiosity Help Break the Self-Doubt Loop?
In response to a stint of some garden variety imposter syndrome I experienced earlier in my career, a mentor made a simple yet transformative suggestion: “You just need to get inspired!” she said emphatically. And immediately it clicked. Instead of over-ruminating about my fears, doubts, or why I felt so ineffective, I shifted my mental energy towards searching for inspiration, led by my curiosity. Instead of moping around or over-identifying with my self-doubt, I was signing up for seminars, networking events, and training workshops and genuinely geeking out! I learned new things and met new people and before I knew it, that jolt of inspiration was flowing effortlessly into my clinical work.
When we shift our mental focus from fear and deficiency (which we’ve validated as a survival tactic), to curiosity and inspiration (more of a creative life drive), we can pull ourselves through our own self-consciousness. That’s not to condone denial or suppression of our uncomfortable, self-doubting feelings, as we must first acknowledge our self-consciousness or fear before we can successfully shift it. But I am saying that perhaps at times we can get stuck in a self-doubt feedback loop and sometimes we really just need to snap out of it by getting curious and finding inspiration.
What Does This Look Like in Real Life?
So let’s try to apply this reframe to some of the relatable scenarios listed above. Let’s take the example of a person experiencing an unexpected and unfavorable response to a presentation at work. Let’s pretend that’s you: You triumphantly click to your last beautiful slide and finish off your presentation with a confident conclusion, only to receive one or two awkward slow-claps and a “Thanks for that interesting perspective” from your boss. You immediately begin to spiral. “Wait, did I do a bad job? Am I bad at my job? Did I bore everyone to death? Is the information in my presentation wrong or not useful? Did I just expose the possibility that my entire job is not useful? Am I going to get fired? Am I going to be able to afford my rent? What about food? Will I have to move back in with my parents? Worst of all, could I have actually done a better job of preventing this horrendous response and if so, why didn’t I?”
After you’ve sat with your fears and processed some of your shame and pain, what if you tried to go get inspired? What if you found and attended an event where one of the most esteemed colleagues in your field was speaking or doing a book signing that really excited you? Or maybe you found inspiration in something totally unrelated to your job or presentation like discovering a new musical artist and listening to their entire canon on repeat for the better part of a weekend. Or maybe you glean inspiration from a perfectly browned piece of toast at midnight, with the deconstructed, detached smoke detector peacefully dangling overhead.
Wherever your inspiration comes from, follow your curiosity and let it pull you through your socially-driven fears, doubts, and pains and watch how it suffuses through other parts of your life and inflates your sense of purpose and wonder.
If you’d like to explore further how to refocus your self-consciousness through curiosity, feel free to schedule a consultation call with our Client Care Coordinator today to find a therapist who can join you on your quest for inspiration. Now go geek out!
