When Life Changes Faster Than Your Identity
You finally get the promotion you’ve been wanting, but you’re still feeling like an imposter. You experience a breakup and don’t know who you are outside of the relationship. You’re a new parent but don’t feel like “mom/dad” yet. When a big life change happens seemingly overnight, even something positive, your body is often left behind and needs a chance to catch up. Sometimes, life changes before our identity can.
What is an Identity Lag?
So, what exactly is this identity lag that we may experience after big transitions? Identity lag is the delay between external change and internal updating of our own self-concept. Our brains and identities are built around consistency and predictable patterns. When an external circumstance quickly shifts, our identity is disrupted and our internal system hasn’t had a chance to update yet. This can often feel like grief, disorientation, and/or imposter syndrome.
Common Situations Where We May Experience Identity Lag:
Identity lag often shows up when our role changes faster than our identity can process the shift.
Career changes or promotions
Becoming a parent
Divorce or breakups
Moving to a new city
Retirement
Health diagnoses
Why Disorientation is Actually Normal
Humans build identity through repetition of patterns and roles over time. Experiencing a transition disrupts the patterns and roles we have spent a great deal of time building. These sudden changes can trigger uncertainty in the brain, which contradicts the predictability it craves. Because of this, our identities don’t magically or immediately adapt. Instead, they shift gradually. The mind needs a chance to rewrite its new story of who you are.
What is the “In Between” Phase and What Does It Looks Like?
Many people expect identity to update instantly. In reality, you’re experiencing this life for the first time and your body is trying to gain its footing. There’s often a period where the old self is fading and your new self hasn’t fully formed yet. Oftentimes this phase can look like:
Doubting whether the change was the right decision
Nostalgia for the life you intentionally left
How to Get Through Identity Lag
Allow yourself adjustment time rather than requiring certainty immediately. Name the transition for yourself (“I’m in the transition phase”). Talk about the transition with others. Experiment with the new role rather than trying to perfect it. Disorientation during change is often a sign that something meaningful is taking place.
If you’re craving support processing or grounding through big changes that leave you wondering who you are, schedule a call with our intake coordinator, who can match you with a therapist to help you make meaning out of identity lag during life transitions.
