The Giving Tree with Good Boundaries
"I am sorry, Boy, but I have nothing left to give you—my apples are gone," said The Giving Tree.
For those of you who don’t recognize this quote or photo, it is taken from The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. This children's book tells the story of a tree that loves a boy and gives him everything she has throughout her life: apples to sell, branches to build a house, and its trunk to make a boat. As the boy grows older, he takes more from the tree until nothing is left but a stump. The overall message highlights selfless love and the joy of giving, even when it means sacrificing everything.
This was one of my favorite books as a kid. The underlying message felt inspiring; I wanted to be as selfless as The Giving Tree. But, what does it mean to be selfless? After all, The Giving Tree continued to give, give, and give, until she had nothing left. I reflect on the messages that I received as a child through stories, and this one about selflessness sticks out. I can’t help but wonder what an alternative ending of this book would be like; one where The Giving Tree sets a boundary or limit to how much she’s willing to give. With this boundary, The Giving Tree would have the opportunity to continue her generosity without sacrificing her giving abilities. Nowadays, the word ‘boundary’ is thrown around, yet I’ve realized that it’s not always understood what setting a boundary truly means.
The purpose of a boundary is to protect our own wellbeing. It is not a punishment to anyone else or a selfish act. Setting a boundary with someone else means: when they do xyz [something that crosses your boundaries], then you will do xyz [something to promote your wellbeing]. Here are a few examples of boundaries:
Example 1: Setting a Boundary with a Friend
"Hey [Friend's Name], I've noticed that our conversations often turn negative. I really enjoy spending time with each other and I would love us to have more balanced interactions. If I notice that our conversation starts to turn negative, then I’ll try to change the subject.”
Example 2: Setting a Boundary with a Parent
"Mom, I appreciate that you care to know what's going on in my life. I need some privacy in certain areas, such as my romantic interests. I’ll share with you what I feel comfortable with, but if you ask me something that feels intrusive, then I’ll choose to not give you a detailed response.”
Example 3: Setting a Boundary with an Employer:
"Hello [Employer’s Name], I've planned to take some time off to recharge and spend time with my family. I plan to fully disconnect during this time. If I receive any work-related tasks, then I will respond once I return from my trip.”
All of these examples followed the same formula: if xyz happens, then I will xyz. Notice how none of these examples attempt to control someone else's behavior, but rather, they promote your wellbeing and your response to a boundary crossing.
Now, let’s go back to The Giving Tree. If The Tree had set a boundary with the young boy, she may have been around for centuries longer to provide other young children with apples to eat, branches to swing on, and shade to rest under. Instead, she ends up as nothing but a stump with nothing left to give. Of course selflessness is inspiring, but giving endlessly can come at the cost of oneself. It is possible to align with the value of selflessness while promoting one's own wellbeing. So, what would The Giving Tree with Good Boundaries say? Let’s try it out!
Example 4: The Giving Tree Sets a Boundary
“I am sorry, Boy, but I have nothing left to give you. If I give you my trunk, then I can’t grow more apples to eat, offer branches to swing on, or provide shade for rest. I’m happy to give you all that I can, unless it takes away my ability to keep giving. If you ask for something that takes that away, then I will kindly say no.”
What a beautiful message it would be to promote selflessness and one's own wellbeing. Knowing how to set a boundary can be confusing and saying no to certain things can feel selfish and hard. If you’ve struggled with people-pleasing, and you want to start setting healthy boundaries but don't know where to start, sign up for our FREE Boundaries download created by our Founder & CEO Becky White! There’s a team of therapists at Root to Rise Therapy who are eager to support you on your mental health journey. Reach out to our Client Care Coordinator today to schedule your first session!
Warmly,
Sophia Rodriguez, AMFT
