When most couples are in conflict, they often get stuck in a cycle of trying to win, rather than trying to understand each other. The fight escalates because we don’t feel heard. And when we don’t feel heard, we protect ourselves, by defending, explaining, or shutting down.
Have you ever cried on your birthday? If so, you’re clearly not alone. So why is that? And why do so many of us have such complicated relationships with our birthdays? Some people thrive, dedicating an entire month to celebrations and gatherings. Others prefer to let the day pass by without acknowledgement.
One of the reasons why conflict becomes so dangerous and unruly in relationships is due to the heightened emotionality of each person and the natural defensive and retaliatory responses elicited. In other words, when we hurl our raw, level 10 emotions at another person during conflict, it will most likely be met by more heightened emotion, defensiveness, or even complete emotional withdrawal or shut down.
Somatic therapy is based on the understanding that emotions don’t just live in our minds—they show up in our bodies too. Talking about how we feel can bring clarity, but sometimes the body needs to release what it’s been holding. Somatic therapy gives space for that release, helping you connect mind and body in the healing process.
Do you sometimes feel like the choices you’ve made since starting therapy are a bit… extreme? Maybe you’ve learned to set boundaries, and now you’re saying “no” to everything. Or perhaps you’ve been encouraged to feel your emotions, and now it feels like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. This wobble is something I see often in therapy. It’s what I call “overcorrection”—and while it might feel uncomfortable, it’s actually a powerful sign of progress
Have you ever made lofty goals for the new year and then been disappointed when you stopped pursuing these goals after just a few weeks? Or have you fallen short of what you imagined you would do?
I used to make goals for the new year to symbolize the new me. I would then lose steam, take a break from the plan, and not return for weeks, months, or sometimes until the following year. If I did achieve the goal, the outcome would not match the fantasy in my mind.
In my recent sessions, clients have been telling me that they are constantly playing catch-up, falling behind, or feeling like they are failing. When I ask them to explore what makes them feel this way, I’m usually met with statements such as, “Well, my coworker Sasha can complete five tasks in the time it takes me to complete one. I feel like I should be doing more.” Ah ha! There it is–we live in a society where we are constantly being compared to others, so it’s no wonder we find ourselves doing the same thing internally.
My professor made a poignant remark during the days leading up to the fall and winter holidays that had the entire class laughing at the accuracy and relatability of the observation. He shared that the holidays are a humbling time for personal growth because you can think you have worked through and resolved most of your triggers in therapy until that first fall holiday family get-together.
Living in Los Angeles, even with its desirable year-round weather, presents mood challenges as the seasons turn.I know fall has arrived and we are heading towards winter when there is a subtle yet palpable shift in the weather: the sun begins to set earlier; a cold, crisp quality permeates the air; I start reaching for the jackets that have been at the back of my closet; I am exponentially more drawn to turning on my furnace instead of the AC unit as each day passes. I also experience an indistinct shift in my moods as the days get shorter and the nights grow longer.
For years, I was embarrassed about this love for Taylor Swift. I downplayed how much energy, effort, and time I have dedicated to a person who has no idea I exist. On the other hand, this relationship (albeit one-sided) started when I was 12 and has remained strong for 15 years. Listening to her music has brought me an immense amount of joy, support, and connection. I’ve often wondered where the border of healthy vs. unhealthy is, leading me to discover the term “Parasocial Relationship.” A parasocial relationship “involves an enduring, one-sided connection between a viewer and a public figure.”
When it comes to taking steps on your life path, you often hear people urging you to “follow your gut.” But what exactly does that mean? And if you aren’t following our gut, what are you following?
You have two choices: to primarily listen to either your ego or your intuitive inner voice. So how do you differentiate between the two? How do you know if you are “trusting your gut” or following an ego-driven desire?
Within each family unit, there are several subsystems. Subsystems can be thought of as allied relationships between two identified people within the family system, for example, parents are one subsystem, siblings are another, etc. Unlike subsystems, family triangles consist of three members. When triangles start to emerge, they can disrupt the functioning of the family system as a whole. If two family members are experiencing extreme tension in their relationship, similar to the example above, they might consciously or unconsciously look to bring in a third member to transfer that tension.
Here are 5 quick and easy tools to calm the sympathetic nervous system and activate the parasympathetic nervous system when feeling dysregulated.
I have heard people speak before about this concept of believing that they are ‘too much’ when it comes to relationships. This belief can keep people self-rejecting, negatively spiraling, and making rules like "I should keep who I am all to myself and shut down because I am too much." It is a distancing fear-based act that signals sympathetic flight mode, which puts the nervous system in a place of stress where the hypothalamus that regulates mood, sleep, hunger, and thirst in the brain activates the adrenal glands which releases about 30 stress hormones. As a result, the body slows digestion, increases heart rate, shortens breath, and constricts muscles. These beliefs, rules, emotional, and physical responses can lead to a perpetual pattern of isolating and closing off from relationships.
