In our fast-paced, technology-driven world, it can become easy to lose sight of one of the most fundamental aspects of our human nature—social connection. As social creatures, we are biologically wired to connect with one another, create strong bonds, and form lasting relationships.
Our senses play a pivotal role in how we form, store, and retrieve memories. This is because the brain areas responsible for processing sensory input are closely linked to the regions that store and retrieve memories. The hippocampus, which organizes and recalls memories, works together with the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain. They ensure that emotionally charged events are more vividly stored in memory. This link exists for both extraordinarily painful and joyful memories alike.
When we talk about “trauma,” we’re talking about an emotional or psychological response to a distressing event or experience. It’s not necessarily the event itself that’s traumatic but rather the way it impacts a person’s sense of safety, stability, or identity. Trauma often leaves people feeling overwhelmed, helpless, or disconnected from themselves or others.
I often use Gottman’s Sound Marital House as a framework to help couples build strong, healthy relationships. This theory breaks down into several key components that can enhance connection and resilience. One skill that stands out to me is Shared Fondness and Admiration, which involves openly expressing appreciation and respect for your partner (or friend).
The importance of validation is something I emphasize with couples as it creates a dynamic based on understanding rather than score-keeping or proving right and wrong. In an emotionally charged conversation, it's common for individuals to focus primarily on their own emotional experience instead of their partner’s. Rather than listening to what the other person is saying, we may be thinking about our own response.
The “rupture-repair cycle” is a crucial part of any relationship. As much as we don’t mean to, we sometimes hurt and let down the people we care about. There is some inevitability to this (though we should try to minimize it as much as possible!) but the repair after a rupture creates an opportunity for growth and reconnection.
It’s understandable to feel worried and confused about shifts in your relationship, especially when it comes to your intimacy and desire. Feeling like you're the one who always initiates sex, only to face rejection or reluctance from your partner, can lead to feelings of insecurity, frustration, and even loneliness. It's natural to crave that connection and validation from your partner, and when it feels like it's slipping away, it can leave you feeling lost and unfulfilled.
I recently came full circle as I started teaching a course as an adjunct professor at Pepperdine’s Graduate School of Education and Psychology in Malibu. I remember growing up and passing by the campus on our family trips to the beach during the summers, and just a few years ago driving up the winding road as a graduate student myself. This winding road up the campus was symbolic of the path I committed to, all the while being filled with curiosity of where this academic and career path would lead me. Time has elapsed and my personal journey is life-long. As a therapist and professor, I still find myself holding a deep stance of curiosity.
I absolutely hate icebreakers- and I feel like I’m not alone in this experience! Yet, it was the first day of the semester and I needed to ask certain questions to familiarize myself with my students. As I went around the room asking questions trying to make the icebreaker portion of the introductions as tolerable as possible, I included the question: “Where do you envision yourself in the future?” with the caveat, “This can change and potentially will!”. Some students had a clearly articulated vision, others a more ambiguous one. One of my students answered boldly that she didn’t know and was open to all the possibilities. As I sat in this room with humans with a certain vision and commitment to the path to becoming a therapist- my recent reflections on my own life and ambitions became more salient: whether you have a clear plan of what you want or are simply open to the possibilities, this inquiry is essential to navigating your direction: am I on the right path?
You’re Moving Towards Something versus Away From Something
One powerful way to identify whether you’re on the right path is to assess which direction you’re moving in. If you find yourself moving towards a path in order to avoid something else, it may be time to reassess. Many times in life it is essential to just be, as well as to know how to move away from situations that are not healthy for us. However, if you find yourself moving in a direction and want to know if it’s the “right” one (p.s. There is never a “right” or “perfect” one, just right for you!), it may help to think of the saying: “wherever you go there you are.” This saying has become a palpable teacher over the years during my travels. I would find myself in completely new environments, stripped away from all the familiarities and comforts of my daily life – and all that remained was me. I was much more clearly able to decipher the patterns, thoughts, and struggles that followed me no matter what geographical location I was in.
You Get Excited *Thinking* About It
When you’re with yourself, do you find yourself fantasizing and getting excited about the direction you’re moving in? Whether it be a career, academic, or creative endeavor, talking with others is one thing… but when you’re with yourself, what are the contents of your thoughts? We tend to be the most honest with ourselves when we are alone–and if we are not, our bodies definitely tell us! This is where I like to identify if my body is telling me that I’m experiencing anxiety/nervousness or excitement. Our body processes these two emotions through the same physiological mechanism, yet there are subtle differences. With both, you may feel more antsy and restless, but anxiety usually leads to avoidance and burnout, whereas excitement leads to purposeful engagement with the endeavor at hand.
You Feel a Certain Level of Competence
Sure, imposter syndrome can happen in every field. We are always learning, after all! However, if you’re on the right path *for you*, you may feel a combination of ease and competence with an energized motivation to expand upon your gifts/skills! This may be due to tuning into what you want versus what others want for you. There is a deep freedom that arises from us connecting ourselves as our starting point, and moving onward from there!
Your Life Feels More Purposeful
A telltale sign that you’re moving in the right direction is the feeling of your life being more full rather than busy. A full life can be a busy one, as can an “empty” experience of your day-to-day life. Pay close attention to whether your days feel full, instead of focusing on the amount of responsibilities and/or opportunities you have. Do you feel purpose in the majority of your day-to-day endeavors? Do you feel a sense of meaning that you are creating through your pursuits? As humans, we are deeply wired to seek and create meaning in our lives.
Finding the right clinician to help you ascertain whether you are on the right path for you can be a profound process! Please get in touch with our Client Care Coordinator at Root to Rise to book an appointment with one of our therapists today.
With gratitude,
Atalie Abramovici, LMFT
Clients often ask what self-care and mindfulness activities I recommend or find the most helpful. Since each person is different, their body and needs for self-care will be unique to them and my answer depends on the symptoms that the client experiences. Breathwork, meditation, movement, and positive self-talk are a few self-care practices that I often recommend or incorporate into sessions; all of which are informed by my own yoga practice and training.
There is so much complexity in relating to others’ experiences while effectively relaying our own experience! One of the most powerful practices I’ve adopted and shared with my clients is the art of holding two truths at one.
Functional freeze describes the experience of shutting down and numbing while staying functional and getting through. Our physiology is essentially revved up but shut down.
Let’s first acknowledge that talking openly about sex with our partner(s) involves some vulnerability and discomfort. However, having open conversations about sex is crucial for creating a healthier and more satisfying relationship. As much as we try to convince ourselves, humans are not capable of mind-reading, so the first step to having the sexual relationship we crave is by talking about it. We can’t get what we want without saying we want it!
These parts may represent different aspects of our personality that developed in response to life experiences, traumas, or conflicts. Some parts may be protective, while others may hold pain or fear. You might uncover a part that's always trying to protect you, like your own personal bodyguard. Or maybe there's a part that's still hurting from something in the past, carrying around some emotional baggage. Each one of us has a part referred to as the "Self" – our core, undamaged essence that holds qualities such as compassion, wisdom, and clarity. The overarching goal of IFS therapy is to connect with oneself and cultivate a harmonious relationship between the Self and other inner parts.
Open communication is the backbone of all relationships, and this is especially crucial in a long-distance relationship. When you’re in different physical places, it can feel like you’re living two separate lives unless the communication is open and consistent.
