“Splitting the ambivalence” describes the phenomenon that occurs when two people become so polarized in their stances that they are unable to step out of their positions. This occurs in relationships of all forms, but for this conversation I’m going to focus on romantic relationships. As Esther Perel describes it, “people come in with a story that is either/or” and the story becomes ‘I want one thing and my partner wants the opposite’. When one person adamantly says they want one thing, and the other passionately says no, it feels like one partner has 0% doubt and the other is 100% doubtful. Rather than meeting in the middle, one partner takes on one half of the perspective, which polarizes and puts the other half on their partner. I know this can all be a bit confusing in generalities, so here’s an example of how it can play out in couples therapy.
Therapy: An Investment In Yourself
Take a moment to consider something you spend money on, and what it brings into your life. Does that thing or experience fill you with joy? Does it make your life easier? Does it make you feel safer? Is it important to someone you love and you like to see them happy?
Now consider that the quality of our primary relationships with our loved ones is one of the key determinants of life satisfaction and happiness. Learning ways to communicate, set healthy boundaries, and identify and express vulnerable feelings is vital to the health of our long-term relationships. Your family of origin may not have modeled safety or the productive sharing of feelings. You may have learned that self-preservation meant taking care of others, but never learned to care for yourself. Or you may have learned that taking care of others is the only way to feel worthy of love.
Virtual Therapy + Resources
Virtual Therapy + Flexible Schedule + Resources That Are Helping Me Right Now
I am committed to supporting you and continuing to provide access to mental health services, which I believe are essential at this critical and scary time. I am offering virtual therapy—both video and phone sessions— so that I can continue to provide mental health care to individuals and couples seeking to release painful patterns from their past.
"Listen to me!"
How to get your honey to listen—and actually understand—what you are saying.
How many times have you had the feeling that even though your honey was listening to you, they weren’t actually hearing you? How would you like to learn the secret to effective communication so that you can feel both heard AND understood?
Money Psychology
Got Money Baggage? We all do. Welcome, friend.
I have a secret. My secret is a complicated one. It’s related to an issue that comes with so many confusing feelings and stories old and new. It has deep roots in culture, history, gender dynamics, and more. Years ago I would never have admitted to this secret because it may've meant being judged by others as superficial, shallow, greedy, and even evil. But, today I feel different. Today I can proudly admit to my evil secret. And it’s this:
CBT & Relationship Therapy
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT) is an evidenced- based treatment that has been shown to significantly reduce depression and anxiety which may be contributing to problems in your relationships. Frequently, couples come in to session making broad generalizations about one another: “You never listen!” “You always forget to take out the trash”, “Your work is more important to you than I am!” We then infer meaning from such generalizations such as “You don't love me enough,” “You are losing interest" or “You don't understand me.”
Communication in Relationships
What is healthy communication? How do I know if my partner and I are communicating effectively?
While many of us consider ourselves to be “good listeners”, the truth is that many of us do not really listen. The skill of Active Listening can move you and your beloved lightyears forward in your ability to communicate effectively with one another. This series of entries will introduce various tips to improve active listening skills in your relationship.
Dependency in Relationships
What is co-dependency? Is it always unhealthy? Learn more about healthy types of dependency here.
It’s a common experience to become overwhelmed and fearful in relationships. Something I hear frequently in working with couples is the underlying question, “How do I know that this person won’t leave me?”.